Vanity's Not Bad At All!

One of the things I consistently admit is that part of why I do yoga is pure vanity. I like satisfaction I feel from being able to perform a certain physical feat and I like the way it makes me look and feel.

As I continue to develop my practice of yoga I've begun to take it easier on myself. I've begun to think that the vanity that is included in my drive to pursue a yoga practice is not necessarily a bad thing. For sure I don't go the studio to show off and to "be seen by the chicks" in the hopes of picking one up.

As far as my appearance and physical ability go, yoga helps me maintain my body and has fostered my mental development as well. I am a clown and a physical performer. My body is my chief tool of my work. Before yoga, all I did to keep in shape, improve my conditioning, or maintain my body was daily stretching at the end of the workday and weights or body weight exercises. I would be very much in touch with my body when something went wrong, or simply just wasn't working just right. My measure of progress was measured only in the end result and how many desirable end results I could achieve. Through yoga and specifically through a self-guided practice, I have developed a deeper sensation of how my body is doing. I can feel body positioning a little more acutely than before. I'm able to sink and settle into a physical position more solidly and feel a little more how to tweak something so that I move closer to what I'm working toward.

I'm more able now to set aside my physical goals for attention on the process. One of the things that has pleased me most is moving into a pose, allowing myself to settle into it, and finding "Hmmm – that's different. That's farther than before." What's best is my newly developing ability to back down when I'm sick instead of pushing forward and fighting hard. I've calmed that part of my Type A personality enough that I'm able to have the perspective that a few days won't erode all of my progress and work. I'm now more likely to take the rest I need to heal and progress. In a physical job, it's necessary to be able to listen to my body, adapt, and to be able to rehabilitate or pull back and not sacrifice my body or the performance for the mere benefit of my ego.

Not only is yoga making me stronger and more flexible, but it is keeping me marketable. Another one of my jobs is as a model. I have a slender body type and I like to have a decent degree of muscular definition. I used to achieve that solely through lifting weights, but after the second time I left touring, I was doing only yoga and no weights. The muscle mass I had gained was being metabolized away by my body, but I was still slender and toned, if not as defined. Although I felt lazy and bad during this time, it eventually led to a switch clicking in my mind.

I now became interested in finding a way to regain definition and some mass, but not to sacrifice yoga progress and gains. I wanted to regain and maintain my body profile and to be able to look good in whatever clothes I might be wearing on any shoot I might book.

Before leaving to tour Japan for a year with Kinoshita Circus, my agency had been sending me on castings for physically fit men. I was still slender and taut, but was my muscle definition enough? I had serious doubts. My time in Japan has been another turning point in my self-guided practice. As my familiarity and senses deepened, I started body weight exercises and rope jumping again. After four-to-six weeks I noticed certain differences in how my body was developing this time compared to previous exercise jags. Where there was doubt, there is the astonished surprise of rediscovery. I'm looking better than I ever have in my life. If this body can get me more bookings, then that is money I can use to contribute to family or other worthy exploits and adventures: workshops, travel, or yoga instructor training. Money is good and I welcome more of it in my life.

All of this is on top of the benefits I get simply from having more physical activity in my life. It would be difficult for me to gauge whether I receive more physical or mental benefits from yoga practice. Instead of dwelling on that, I know that the yoga and exercise are helping me be healthier in body, reducing the list of negative non-genetic factors on my health and hopefully reducing the handhold of the genetic factors I have working against me. One of the things I have learned to face is that finding satisfaction in my body is good for the spirit and is an essential part of self-love for me.