Balance

Muh.

Just yesterday I decided that I would start something reminiscent of an exercise/workout schedule again. Yoga helps, but it's not enough. I'm going through some stress right now and yoga and attempts at meditation are fine and dandy, but exercise also works for me. It's a way of transforming stress and frustration into a building force. And personally, I feel better about myself and the way I look when I have some muscle definition. I like to look like I use my body for something more than just carrying around my head. My body is a tool and a vessel and I feel that I should maintain its appearance as well as it operational capabilities.

This re-introduces a challenge I have been thinking about. I like to have a little more muscle mass on my body, but I also would like to be more flexible than I am. I have discovered and experienced improvement in my flexibility in yoga, but I want more flexibility. I feel rigid and far more limited than I wish to be. If I increase my muscle mass, I sacrifice some flexibility.

I don't think it has to be that way. It has been so, but I don't think it has to be that way. I know I can feel good as well as look good. I guess this means more mental yoga coming my way, as if I had a shortage of that.

Does it ever stop? It seems like I'm less able to help myself than I am other people. If could be as supportive and patient with myself as I can other people, I think I'd be a lot happier.

Reweave, Reweave

Not a whole lot has been happening on the practice front: ebbing, flowing, etc. I'd like to say that I've been working on handstands and have been making progress, but I'd be lying.

The thing that has taken up most of my practice energy and focus is working on perception, forgiveness, and non-judgment. This continues to be some of the hardest, most draining, most frustrating work I've done. I think it's a chief reason my emotional energy is sapped and I'm really sluggish at getting out of bed in the mornings. Many times I just don't want to get up. I don't want to start the day. I don't want to have to leave bed. I just want to rest and not have to deal. I have found success and reward in some areas as a result of my tenacity, but others just do not seem to improve. I'm sick of the mental work and I'm tired of it.

Three times in the past month I've had the opportunity to watch spiders spin part of their webs. It was really engaging and very thought-provoking. I even watched a spider retreat as its web was unwittingly damaged today. Part of me thought, "Well, so much for awareness of surroundings." because that web had been there for a week, as had the spider, slowly adding to it. Then again, not many people look up, and if you're not tall enough to hit your head or hair on something, why would you?

Another part of me realized that unless the spider relocates, is relocated, or is killed, it will simply go through the work of rebuilding the web in that location. That can represent futility, or it can represent tenacity and acceptance. In my current situation, I tend to see more of the tenacity metaphor, while being aware of the futility side.