Confuddled and Befused

Another entry in the WTF department: while engaging utkatasana today (chair pose), I found myself holding the pose more deeply than I ever recall having done. As I've mentioned many times to this point, I haven't been doing a lot of yoga in the last year, and just dove back into a regular practice. Why is this?

Figuring it Out

Well, throughout this process of easing back to and sticking with a regular self-guided practice, I'm finding some things out, but finding new questions as well.

First of all, at the very base level, this is an amazing thing for which I'm very thankful. There was a point not too long ago where I couldn't imagine doing a self-guided practice. I like having an instructor guide me. I like having to practice going along with a plan not my own and finding the most in it for myself. I like the exercise of not knowing what the plan is and diving into it with no reservations. That's a good thing for me to practice. I didn't trust my knowledge base or my ability very much. I wasn't sure about alignment and duration and such, and I sure as heck didn't know how I could make proper adjustments to whatever pose I was engaging if I couldn't see myself as a whole body from the outside.

Now that I'm past that point, I'm at another crossroads. I'm not pulling 45-75 minute sessions each day, but I'm doing 10 - 30 in the mornings, often with 30 - 60 minutes of DVD-guided yin yoga sessions at night before bed. Although I feel the benefits of those morning sessions, I worry: how well will I physically improve doing such short sessions? Physical improvement will surely take longer doing such short sessions. While the shorter sessions encourage me to use the time to listen to my body and feel which areas are requiring the work and get to poses that address those issues, what about the other poses that develop and enhance other portions of my practice? What about the other parts of my body that I should attend to so as to have a balanced physical body?

I don't have answers for those questions right now. All I know is that my legs and my lower and middle back are calling for a large portion of the attention.

Developments and Growth

Well, I've been back into regular practice for almost a month now and it's a mixed bag for me. One the down side, I've spent most of the last year being irregular if anything at all about my yoga practice. As such, I feel like I've been a shameful slacker and I'm not as far as I could have been had I not slid out of the practice habit. On the up side, I'm learning how accurate my assessments of trouble spots has been, so I'm learning that I can trust that sense I'm developing. Furthermore, I'm noticing the gradual process of the reversal of the tightening and restriction that has developed over this time. I'm sensing the physical ease that's growing as I practice again every day. I'm able to use this opportunity to strengthen my patience and help my tolerance grow into acceptance and to log this experience to use in my intended future in instruction.

I'm also revisiting my own body issues. I'm not as muscular in some ways as I'd like to be, but it's a small distance to travel to reach that goal. However, I must consider how that would affect my yoga. Also, I'm not please with the limits of my lower body flexibility. I'm beginning to think that it's as much the anatomy of my skeleton as it is muscular inflexibility. That is harder to take. If as much of it is my bone structure as I think may be the case, then that is something that I cannot change and it is very possible that I will not be able to perform certain poses to the extent of expression that I would like to. That disappointment and the accompanying feeling of failure and of that making me less of a practitioner is yet another thing to combat.

On the up side, it's nice in some twisted way to have body issues of my own. I was worried that as an instructor, some students would look at me, what things I can do, and my body type and feel inadequate or frustrated. I don't want to make people feel that way, so I believe that having my own stories about my own issues and inadequacies will be something of great value that I can offer to people.

Influx, Reflux

For better or for worse, my Yoga Journal subscription has kicked in and now my Dad forwards it to me with the rest of my magazines.. The only reason I say "for worse" is because I wonder if I really need another magazine subscription. I let Smithsonian lapse and then eventually picked up YJ, but have been considering picking up Smithsonian again. Stupid literacy and interest!

Even better, this morning I did about a half hour of yoga, maybe 35 minutes. It felt good, of course and I felt good afterward. I did my first downward dog (adho mukha svanasana – I'm working on gradually knowing the sanskrit names of poses) in months and it felt good, with tightness and resistance in the places I expected to feel them. Chalk one up for taking notice of the body, even throughout the lull.

I'm slowly working my way back.

Rebound

When my friend was visiting from Germany, I was sleeping on my floor and I let her have the bed. This led to me restarting a brief morning practice again and it felt really good. Sure, it was only 10-15 minutes, but it was something. It's been good, even though it's not the length of practice I like to pursue. I was able to notice the different way my body felt as it appreciated the return of the activity. I noticed that the spots in which I thought I was observing tightening and issues were indeed the spots I thought they were.

I even started to notice another period of improvement in juggling as things I've been working on and frustrated over started coming together. Of course, things are starting to fall apart again and it's making me cranky. I still have issues with accepting sucking as being a part of the whole process. Heck, I still have issues with perceiving it as ineptitude or failure.

There are other pressures that have arisen, both self-inflicted and otherwise. Now I have to deal with those, too.

Truth, Expression, and Violence

I noticed something through observation today:

While it is essential to be aware of one's truth and to live one's truth, that can also sometimes be a form of violence, even if unintentional. It then seems equally if not more important to be aware of the more constructive moments and manners in which to live and express one's truth.