One of the things I consistently admit is that part of why I do yoga is pure vanity. I like satisfaction I feel from being able to perform a certain physical feat and I like the way it makes me look and feel.
As I continue to develop my practice of yoga I've begun to take it easier on myself. I've begun to think that the vanity that is included in my drive to pursue a yoga practice is not necessarily a bad thing. For sure I don't go the studio to show off and to "be seen by the chicks" in the hopes of picking one up.
As far as my appearance and physical ability go, yoga helps me maintain my body and has fostered my mental development as well. I am a clown and a physical performer. My body is my chief tool of my work. Before yoga, all I did to keep in shape, improve my conditioning, or maintain my body was daily stretching at the end of the workday and weights or body weight exercises. I would be very much in touch with my body when something went wrong, or simply just wasn't working just right. My measure of progress was measured only in the end result and how many desirable end results I could achieve. Through yoga and specifically through a self-guided practice, I have developed a deeper sensation of how my body is doing. I can feel body positioning a little more acutely than before. I'm able to sink and settle into a physical position more solidly and feel a little more how to tweak something so that I move closer to what I'm working toward.
I'm more able now to set aside my physical goals for attention on the process. One of the things that has pleased me most is moving into a pose, allowing myself to settle into it, and finding "Hmmm – that's different. That's farther than before." What's best is my newly developing ability to back down when I'm sick instead of pushing forward and fighting hard. I've calmed that part of my Type A personality enough that I'm able to have the perspective that a few days won't erode all of my progress and work. I'm now more likely to take the rest I need to heal and progress. In a physical job, it's necessary to be able to listen to my body, adapt, and to be able to rehabilitate or pull back and not sacrifice my body or the performance for the mere benefit of my ego.
Not only is yoga making me stronger and more flexible, but it is keeping me marketable. Another one of my jobs is as a model. I have a slender body type and I like to have a decent degree of muscular definition. I used to achieve that solely through lifting weights, but after the second time I left touring, I was doing only yoga and no weights. The muscle mass I had gained was being metabolized away by my body, but I was still slender and toned, if not as defined. Although I felt lazy and bad during this time, it eventually led to a switch clicking in my mind.
I now became interested in finding a way to regain definition and some mass, but not to sacrifice yoga progress and gains. I wanted to regain and maintain my body profile and to be able to look good in whatever clothes I might be wearing on any shoot I might book.
Before leaving to tour Japan for a year with Kinoshita Circus, my agency had been sending me on castings for physically fit men. I was still slender and taut, but was my muscle definition enough? I had serious doubts. My time in Japan has been another turning point in my self-guided practice. As my familiarity and senses deepened, I started body weight exercises and rope jumping again. After four-to-six weeks I noticed certain differences in how my body was developing this time compared to previous exercise jags. Where there was doubt, there is the astonished surprise of rediscovery. I'm looking better than I ever have in my life. If this body can get me more bookings, then that is money I can use to contribute to family or other worthy exploits and adventures: workshops, travel, or yoga instructor training. Money is good and I welcome more of it in my life.
All of this is on top of the benefits I get simply from having more physical activity in my life. It would be difficult for me to gauge whether I receive more physical or mental benefits from yoga practice. Instead of dwelling on that, I know that the yoga and exercise are helping me be healthier in body, reducing the list of negative non-genetic factors on my health and hopefully reducing the handhold of the genetic factors I have working against me. One of the things I have learned to face is that finding satisfaction in my body is good for the spirit and is an essential part of self-love for me.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Loosely Connected
Well, this doesn't have anything directly to do with yoga. Then again, it's about tolerance, being open, and working for the benefit of the larger community, so I suppose it fits. Op-ed articles like this make me feel good about the human race.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Ankles Away!
Ten days ago I hurt myself again. Fortunately, it wasn't horrible.
As I was exiting the ring in the dark, I was a bit more to my left than I usually am and I trotted right onto a spike. My ankle rolled and my body reacted to keep me upright. I could immediately feel that my ankle had suffered a bit of injury, but I didn't know how much. It wasn't until later that I felt the painful effect the bodily reaction had on my rear hips and lower back. I had tweaked my back again.
There was thankfully very little swelling in my ankle that accompanied the pain and I hadn't lost a whole lot of range of motion. The back was a different story.
When this injury has happened before (it happened earlier this year) I was frustrated and confused: Aren't my back muscles strong? Aren't I flexible enough? Aren't I in good shape? Whatever the reason, whatever the circumstances (maybe my back muscles are too strong and when they fire protectively, they really fire), my back was tweaked as were my dorsal hip muscles.
It sucked, but I found that this time, I didn't "need" ibuprofen or any analgesic. I didn't "need" Icy Hot. My previous back muscle over-reaction had taught me some coping mechanisms and how to focus my stretching and my yoga to loosening things up. I held off on my exercise regime so more bodily resources could be used for repair. It dawned on me a few days ago that this is a time when I am learning to be injured. I've been learning how not to pressure myself to push and have developed a sense of what to do to make sure I can perform through the day and end the day feeling better than the evening before. This time I even enlisted the help of my acrylic ball, which provided a nice, firm, rounded, rolling surface I could use to hit the deeper layers of muscle and break up the kinks.
Thankfully, it has worked and I feel fortunate that my injuries weren't worse. I'm thankful that elements of The Old Me were able to be silenced and set aside so I could properly take care of my healing process. So much has changed for me and within me this year and this is just one thing that has yielded results.
I still think I'll look into some chiropractic adjustments when I return to the United States because I'm sure my muscular seizures have pulled something out of whack, most likely my hips.
As I was exiting the ring in the dark, I was a bit more to my left than I usually am and I trotted right onto a spike. My ankle rolled and my body reacted to keep me upright. I could immediately feel that my ankle had suffered a bit of injury, but I didn't know how much. It wasn't until later that I felt the painful effect the bodily reaction had on my rear hips and lower back. I had tweaked my back again.
There was thankfully very little swelling in my ankle that accompanied the pain and I hadn't lost a whole lot of range of motion. The back was a different story.
When this injury has happened before (it happened earlier this year) I was frustrated and confused: Aren't my back muscles strong? Aren't I flexible enough? Aren't I in good shape? Whatever the reason, whatever the circumstances (maybe my back muscles are too strong and when they fire protectively, they really fire), my back was tweaked as were my dorsal hip muscles.
It sucked, but I found that this time, I didn't "need" ibuprofen or any analgesic. I didn't "need" Icy Hot. My previous back muscle over-reaction had taught me some coping mechanisms and how to focus my stretching and my yoga to loosening things up. I held off on my exercise regime so more bodily resources could be used for repair. It dawned on me a few days ago that this is a time when I am learning to be injured. I've been learning how not to pressure myself to push and have developed a sense of what to do to make sure I can perform through the day and end the day feeling better than the evening before. This time I even enlisted the help of my acrylic ball, which provided a nice, firm, rounded, rolling surface I could use to hit the deeper layers of muscle and break up the kinks.
Thankfully, it has worked and I feel fortunate that my injuries weren't worse. I'm thankful that elements of The Old Me were able to be silenced and set aside so I could properly take care of my healing process. So much has changed for me and within me this year and this is just one thing that has yielded results.
I still think I'll look into some chiropractic adjustments when I return to the United States because I'm sure my muscular seizures have pulled something out of whack, most likely my hips.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Something Soaked In
Take a look at this screen grab of a comment I made on a friend's Facebook page regarding her first experience with a chiropractor after years of having thought it was all BS:
After having written it, I looked at it again and realized that I sound almost exactly like a Paul Grilley lecture! Hmm. I guess someone's been watching and using the DVDs a lot, hasn't he?
After having written it, I looked at it again and realized that I sound almost exactly like a Paul Grilley lecture! Hmm. I guess someone's been watching and using the DVDs a lot, hasn't he?
Monday, September 13, 2010
Exercise Realization
I don't exercise to improve the duration of my life, I exercise to improve the quality of the life I have. That is a factor I can change.
Lernin' the Bod
I've had no shortage of introspection and observation in this past year of self-guided practice. Perhaps one of the greatest benefits is the increased intimacy with my body. My knowledge and understanding of my body has increased.
When I first bought the Paul Grilley "Anatomy of Yoga" DVD, I was ecstatic! I was also a bit bummed. On one side, one reason I couldn't do side splits despite the amount of work I've done is because my bones won't let me! Awesome! It's not because I suck! On the down side, the bones won't change, and if the bones are what's keeping me from doing the side splits, then I will never do the side splits.
My friend Page once passed on something one of her yoga teachers asked her: "Once you can do that, then what?" Well, my answer is: then I'll be able to do it! I sure as hell can't do it now! Goal checked off the list!
I find that I listen to my body more. I find that after these last months I can identify and chronicle things in my body better than I could before. I have been looking at my body habitually over the last 10 or so years, most especially during the last 5. I now notice not only visual changes, but changes in feeling and how it feels to be in my body. I find that I don't always feel weight or gravity like I might have before. I have found that I can be dense and yet step lightly, move delicately, root powerfully.
I've been working out again for the last six-to-eight weeks. I've noticed by body still responds to exercise like it as. At age 37, that is still a boon. I no longer know how much of my physique is due to genetics and how much is due to habit or deliberate activity.
I enjoy studying my own morphology. Some of it is admittedly due to vanity. A lot more of it is due to wonder, curiosity, and thanksgiving.
When I first bought the Paul Grilley "Anatomy of Yoga" DVD, I was ecstatic! I was also a bit bummed. On one side, one reason I couldn't do side splits despite the amount of work I've done is because my bones won't let me! Awesome! It's not because I suck! On the down side, the bones won't change, and if the bones are what's keeping me from doing the side splits, then I will never do the side splits.
My friend Page once passed on something one of her yoga teachers asked her: "Once you can do that, then what?" Well, my answer is: then I'll be able to do it! I sure as hell can't do it now! Goal checked off the list!
I find that I listen to my body more. I find that after these last months I can identify and chronicle things in my body better than I could before. I have been looking at my body habitually over the last 10 or so years, most especially during the last 5. I now notice not only visual changes, but changes in feeling and how it feels to be in my body. I find that I don't always feel weight or gravity like I might have before. I have found that I can be dense and yet step lightly, move delicately, root powerfully.
I've been working out again for the last six-to-eight weeks. I've noticed by body still responds to exercise like it as. At age 37, that is still a boon. I no longer know how much of my physique is due to genetics and how much is due to habit or deliberate activity.
I enjoy studying my own morphology. Some of it is admittedly due to vanity. A lot more of it is due to wonder, curiosity, and thanksgiving.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Emotional Yoga
I've heard and read stories about emotional outpourings as a result of a yoga practice, oftentimes happening in class. I've thought that I must certainly have some pent-up emotions, especially from the last two years of assorted events and introspection.
Nothing has happened yet and it makes me wonder if I'm getting deep enough in my practice to release what I think I must certainly have inside me. Perhaps I'm holding back. This weekend, I took one class while I was home visiting my folks and I learned that maybe I have an expectation of what emotional release would be for me and maybe it's been happening in its way.
In the middle of the class we were working in ardha chandrasana, half moon pose. I have a mixed relationship with this pose. I like it because the pose has changed for me. There are certain aspects of the pose that I've grown into and have been able to open up. On the other hand, it's just a step away from standing split, which I loathe greatly, due in part to how horrible I feel I am at the pose. It in no way resembles a split.
After attempting to maintain balance, regain balance, and breathe through difficulty, I found the rest of my practice colored by the anger that arose from having to do half moon, from forcing myself to continue even though I fricking hated doing it. Corpse pose was not as relaxing and it took the massage I had scheduled to fully rid myself of the anger that had built up.
So now I have some more homework to do. I need to explore and understand the root of this anger. I had thought that I'd just cry like I'd heard in so many stories. Crying I could easily identify and understand. The anger has so many more possible roots and quite possibly, they all fit together. I know I get angry when I don't understand, when I feel powerless, when I feel I'm not doing well enough, when I have to endure rather than thrive – there are so many roots and roots to those roots.
Nothing has happened yet and it makes me wonder if I'm getting deep enough in my practice to release what I think I must certainly have inside me. Perhaps I'm holding back. This weekend, I took one class while I was home visiting my folks and I learned that maybe I have an expectation of what emotional release would be for me and maybe it's been happening in its way.
In the middle of the class we were working in ardha chandrasana, half moon pose. I have a mixed relationship with this pose. I like it because the pose has changed for me. There are certain aspects of the pose that I've grown into and have been able to open up. On the other hand, it's just a step away from standing split, which I loathe greatly, due in part to how horrible I feel I am at the pose. It in no way resembles a split.
After attempting to maintain balance, regain balance, and breathe through difficulty, I found the rest of my practice colored by the anger that arose from having to do half moon, from forcing myself to continue even though I fricking hated doing it. Corpse pose was not as relaxing and it took the massage I had scheduled to fully rid myself of the anger that had built up.
So now I have some more homework to do. I need to explore and understand the root of this anger. I had thought that I'd just cry like I'd heard in so many stories. Crying I could easily identify and understand. The anger has so many more possible roots and quite possibly, they all fit together. I know I get angry when I don't understand, when I feel powerless, when I feel I'm not doing well enough, when I have to endure rather than thrive – there are so many roots and roots to those roots.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
MATERIALS!
I'm home visiting my folks – my mom – for a few days at some expense, but at even greater benefit. I've been able to intercept a shipment from Amazon of a couple of yoga books I ordered.
Here continues my independent study. It's time to go deeper and maybe even get a bit ahead of the instructor training curve. I have Jivamukti Yoga by Sharon Gannon and David Life and The Heart of Yoga by TKV Desikachar
Here continues my independent study. It's time to go deeper and maybe even get a bit ahead of the instructor training curve. I have Jivamukti Yoga by Sharon Gannon and David Life and The Heart of Yoga by TKV Desikachar
Monday, August 23, 2010
Paying Off
The mental work is yielding progress!
Even though my energy is being drained by a lot of other things I'm assigning my attention, I've been noticing a lot of advances. Most notably, after a drop, mess up, or complete car wreck in juggling, I've made my way back to the alley (clown dressing room) and haven't stressed at all. NO STRESS! YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH! That means incremental improvement! WHEEEEE!
Physical work still delivers surprises as well. Doing yoga a couple of evenings ago I hit a couple of poses and noticed something new. All I could say was a slightly bemused "Hmmm. That's different." My reaction made me laugh.
Mostly, I'm just happy that there is progress and this time, I noticed the smaller stuff instead of the big dramatic changes. Maybe my opinion about subtlety is changing . . . .
Even though my energy is being drained by a lot of other things I'm assigning my attention, I've been noticing a lot of advances. Most notably, after a drop, mess up, or complete car wreck in juggling, I've made my way back to the alley (clown dressing room) and haven't stressed at all. NO STRESS! YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH! That means incremental improvement! WHEEEEE!
Physical work still delivers surprises as well. Doing yoga a couple of evenings ago I hit a couple of poses and noticed something new. All I could say was a slightly bemused "Hmmm. That's different." My reaction made me laugh.
Mostly, I'm just happy that there is progress and this time, I noticed the smaller stuff instead of the big dramatic changes. Maybe my opinion about subtlety is changing . . . .
Monday, August 16, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Good Example?
I've been thinking the last few days about if I will be a good example as a yoga instructor.
There are poses I hate. I cannot stand standing split. I loathe it. I am very very crappy at it. I might as well be doing a very crappy looking half moon pose because I can't get my legs to spread in standing split like they can when my body weight can work for me and they sure as hell don't spread as far as I want them to. I'm nowhere near the lower body flexibility I want. Telling people about patience and time and allowing what is to just be seems like it'll be a half lie because I'm guiding people to do things that I can't do as often as I'd like. To me that makes me a fraud.
There are things about my body that frustrate me. I would love to be more flexible. I'd love to be able to do handstands and some other arm balances, but I can't. And let's face it: I've got a pretty fit looking body – is anyone really going to identify with or accept the idea that I have body issues as well? Will the way I look intimidate some people or will it inspire people?
Well, the answers to these appear and disappear and it's up to me to remember them. For starters, people will often say: "Sometimes we teach what we have yet to learn ourselves." Okay. As much as I don't like the idea of it, it's true. I prefer to be able to teach from the other side of the struggle, not from within my own personal struggle. However, the fact that I am still deeply ingrained in my own struggle provides a means of interaction, understanding, and hopefully inspiration to other people. "Greg's not perfect, so then I don't have to be." Maybe it works like that.
As far as being able to reach the full expression of a pose – not just my full expression at the current moment, but that which I believe is within the realm of possibility for my body – my friend Page related a question that an instructor of hers asked: "So then when you get there, what then?" This is a manifestation of my own situational prejudices. I loathe processes. I want results, not a process. So for me, the treasure is still the end result instead of the time and work it took for me to get there. For me, the answer is "Then that means I'll be done with all of this time-consuming, frustrating process and I will have reached my goal and it will be another thing I can have accomplished instead of something I haven't." I am still a very achievement oriented person and I tend to value my achievements over the process and the road taken. That is something I can relate to people in my journey as well. I hope it's inspirational to people in some way, because mostly I just get people telling me to enjoy and immerse myself in the process, which to me is like telling me to go immerse myself in frustration and falling short of my goal. That doesn't taste good to me.
As far as my body, honestly, I like to look a certain way. I like to maintain a certain shape and some of it is completely ego based. However, I was told by a fellow student that she was watching me in a couple of poses and instead of being intimidated, she was inspired to work on and to dig deeper into her own personal yoga so that she might have that same effect on others.
Wha? For all of my concern about my body and how I look when I do things, I still am confused yet flattered at the idea that my yoga is beautiful. I just concentrate a lot on doing it correctly and getting things right and stuff like that. I don't like doing things poorly, not even just for fun. If I do it, I want to be good at it and to look competent doing it. regardless of what's going on in my head, if my efforts result in inspiring someone, then that's a high complement and that humbles me. I find success humbles me more than failure. Failure just gets me mad.
I also have a very negative view of failure.
I wish I could ease up and be all relaxed about stuff like this. I suppose the best that I can hope for is that 1) I'll actually succeed in this cursed process stuff and become the person I'd like to be, and 2) I'll be able to use my faults along the way as guidance tools to help boost people's confidence and help them in their own efforts.
There are poses I hate. I cannot stand standing split. I loathe it. I am very very crappy at it. I might as well be doing a very crappy looking half moon pose because I can't get my legs to spread in standing split like they can when my body weight can work for me and they sure as hell don't spread as far as I want them to. I'm nowhere near the lower body flexibility I want. Telling people about patience and time and allowing what is to just be seems like it'll be a half lie because I'm guiding people to do things that I can't do as often as I'd like. To me that makes me a fraud.
There are things about my body that frustrate me. I would love to be more flexible. I'd love to be able to do handstands and some other arm balances, but I can't. And let's face it: I've got a pretty fit looking body – is anyone really going to identify with or accept the idea that I have body issues as well? Will the way I look intimidate some people or will it inspire people?
Well, the answers to these appear and disappear and it's up to me to remember them. For starters, people will often say: "Sometimes we teach what we have yet to learn ourselves." Okay. As much as I don't like the idea of it, it's true. I prefer to be able to teach from the other side of the struggle, not from within my own personal struggle. However, the fact that I am still deeply ingrained in my own struggle provides a means of interaction, understanding, and hopefully inspiration to other people. "Greg's not perfect, so then I don't have to be." Maybe it works like that.
As far as being able to reach the full expression of a pose – not just my full expression at the current moment, but that which I believe is within the realm of possibility for my body – my friend Page related a question that an instructor of hers asked: "So then when you get there, what then?" This is a manifestation of my own situational prejudices. I loathe processes. I want results, not a process. So for me, the treasure is still the end result instead of the time and work it took for me to get there. For me, the answer is "Then that means I'll be done with all of this time-consuming, frustrating process and I will have reached my goal and it will be another thing I can have accomplished instead of something I haven't." I am still a very achievement oriented person and I tend to value my achievements over the process and the road taken. That is something I can relate to people in my journey as well. I hope it's inspirational to people in some way, because mostly I just get people telling me to enjoy and immerse myself in the process, which to me is like telling me to go immerse myself in frustration and falling short of my goal. That doesn't taste good to me.
As far as my body, honestly, I like to look a certain way. I like to maintain a certain shape and some of it is completely ego based. However, I was told by a fellow student that she was watching me in a couple of poses and instead of being intimidated, she was inspired to work on and to dig deeper into her own personal yoga so that she might have that same effect on others.
Wha? For all of my concern about my body and how I look when I do things, I still am confused yet flattered at the idea that my yoga is beautiful. I just concentrate a lot on doing it correctly and getting things right and stuff like that. I don't like doing things poorly, not even just for fun. If I do it, I want to be good at it and to look competent doing it. regardless of what's going on in my head, if my efforts result in inspiring someone, then that's a high complement and that humbles me. I find success humbles me more than failure. Failure just gets me mad.
I also have a very negative view of failure.
I wish I could ease up and be all relaxed about stuff like this. I suppose the best that I can hope for is that 1) I'll actually succeed in this cursed process stuff and become the person I'd like to be, and 2) I'll be able to use my faults along the way as guidance tools to help boost people's confidence and help them in their own efforts.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Feels Good!
You know what feels heavenly?
Working out and then later doing yoga. The feeling afterward is delicious! For some reason the taste of the pickled ginger I had with my food seemed more pleasing as well.
The return to working out is going well. Instead of being annoyed by sweating just because of the heat, I exchange that with the joy of sweating from physical exertion. That's a sweat I can get into!
Working out and then later doing yoga. The feeling afterward is delicious! For some reason the taste of the pickled ginger I had with my food seemed more pleasing as well.
The return to working out is going well. Instead of being annoyed by sweating just because of the heat, I exchange that with the joy of sweating from physical exertion. That's a sweat I can get into!
Monday, August 2, 2010
The Other BP
I'm going through a tough time right now. My mother's health is not very good and we expect that she won't be around much longer. The parental finances are under stress. I'm all the way over here in Japan and have been doing a lot of reflection and examination.
Although I know that yoga helps, I'm not yet convinced of the depth to which it helps. Two years ago, I tried to adapt my yoga practice as a means to help cope with an emotionally devastating breakup. It helped some. I'm finding that yoga only helps some right now as well. What helps me more than asana (pose) practice is pranayama (breathing). I apply this in the form of breathing and prayer. Sometimes I meditate, but as someone who hasn't really liked to pray, it's also a good exercise.
I'm not anti-prayer, but I had developed this idea of people using prayer only to ask for things. I used prayer only for expressing thanks or wonder or resolve ("Here we go!"). When we were dating, my friend Christi helped me change my mind. One of my issues is that I hate asking for help. I hate admitting that I'm powerless in a situation and that it's too big for me to handle by myself, if at all. So I would never ask in prayer or offer anything up/out: I thought it was my duty as someone living a life to do as much as I could without asking any help, since so many others abused it in my opinion.
Through breathing and prayer, I'm learning a different way of handling things, and a different face of humility. I'm slowly learning to be able to let go and maybe eventually I'll fully learn that waiting can indeed be better than "NOW!".
Like I said, this period of my life and practice is more about mental yoga than physical. Waves and waves I suppose.
Although I know that yoga helps, I'm not yet convinced of the depth to which it helps. Two years ago, I tried to adapt my yoga practice as a means to help cope with an emotionally devastating breakup. It helped some. I'm finding that yoga only helps some right now as well. What helps me more than asana (pose) practice is pranayama (breathing). I apply this in the form of breathing and prayer. Sometimes I meditate, but as someone who hasn't really liked to pray, it's also a good exercise.
I'm not anti-prayer, but I had developed this idea of people using prayer only to ask for things. I used prayer only for expressing thanks or wonder or resolve ("Here we go!"). When we were dating, my friend Christi helped me change my mind. One of my issues is that I hate asking for help. I hate admitting that I'm powerless in a situation and that it's too big for me to handle by myself, if at all. So I would never ask in prayer or offer anything up/out: I thought it was my duty as someone living a life to do as much as I could without asking any help, since so many others abused it in my opinion.
Through breathing and prayer, I'm learning a different way of handling things, and a different face of humility. I'm slowly learning to be able to let go and maybe eventually I'll fully learn that waiting can indeed be better than "NOW!".
Like I said, this period of my life and practice is more about mental yoga than physical. Waves and waves I suppose.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Balance
Muh.
Just yesterday I decided that I would start something reminiscent of an exercise/workout schedule again. Yoga helps, but it's not enough. I'm going through some stress right now and yoga and attempts at meditation are fine and dandy, but exercise also works for me. It's a way of transforming stress and frustration into a building force. And personally, I feel better about myself and the way I look when I have some muscle definition. I like to look like I use my body for something more than just carrying around my head. My body is a tool and a vessel and I feel that I should maintain its appearance as well as it operational capabilities.
This re-introduces a challenge I have been thinking about. I like to have a little more muscle mass on my body, but I also would like to be more flexible than I am. I have discovered and experienced improvement in my flexibility in yoga, but I want more flexibility. I feel rigid and far more limited than I wish to be. If I increase my muscle mass, I sacrifice some flexibility.
I don't think it has to be that way. It has been so, but I don't think it has to be that way. I know I can feel good as well as look good. I guess this means more mental yoga coming my way, as if I had a shortage of that.
Does it ever stop? It seems like I'm less able to help myself than I am other people. If could be as supportive and patient with myself as I can other people, I think I'd be a lot happier.
Just yesterday I decided that I would start something reminiscent of an exercise/workout schedule again. Yoga helps, but it's not enough. I'm going through some stress right now and yoga and attempts at meditation are fine and dandy, but exercise also works for me. It's a way of transforming stress and frustration into a building force. And personally, I feel better about myself and the way I look when I have some muscle definition. I like to look like I use my body for something more than just carrying around my head. My body is a tool and a vessel and I feel that I should maintain its appearance as well as it operational capabilities.
This re-introduces a challenge I have been thinking about. I like to have a little more muscle mass on my body, but I also would like to be more flexible than I am. I have discovered and experienced improvement in my flexibility in yoga, but I want more flexibility. I feel rigid and far more limited than I wish to be. If I increase my muscle mass, I sacrifice some flexibility.
I don't think it has to be that way. It has been so, but I don't think it has to be that way. I know I can feel good as well as look good. I guess this means more mental yoga coming my way, as if I had a shortage of that.
Does it ever stop? It seems like I'm less able to help myself than I am other people. If could be as supportive and patient with myself as I can other people, I think I'd be a lot happier.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Reweave, Reweave
Not a whole lot has been happening on the practice front: ebbing, flowing, etc. I'd like to say that I've been working on handstands and have been making progress, but I'd be lying.
The thing that has taken up most of my practice energy and focus is working on perception, forgiveness, and non-judgment. This continues to be some of the hardest, most draining, most frustrating work I've done. I think it's a chief reason my emotional energy is sapped and I'm really sluggish at getting out of bed in the mornings. Many times I just don't want to get up. I don't want to start the day. I don't want to have to leave bed. I just want to rest and not have to deal. I have found success and reward in some areas as a result of my tenacity, but others just do not seem to improve. I'm sick of the mental work and I'm tired of it.
Three times in the past month I've had the opportunity to watch spiders spin part of their webs. It was really engaging and very thought-provoking. I even watched a spider retreat as its web was unwittingly damaged today. Part of me thought, "Well, so much for awareness of surroundings." because that web had been there for a week, as had the spider, slowly adding to it. Then again, not many people look up, and if you're not tall enough to hit your head or hair on something, why would you?
Another part of me realized that unless the spider relocates, is relocated, or is killed, it will simply go through the work of rebuilding the web in that location. That can represent futility, or it can represent tenacity and acceptance. In my current situation, I tend to see more of the tenacity metaphor, while being aware of the futility side.
The thing that has taken up most of my practice energy and focus is working on perception, forgiveness, and non-judgment. This continues to be some of the hardest, most draining, most frustrating work I've done. I think it's a chief reason my emotional energy is sapped and I'm really sluggish at getting out of bed in the mornings. Many times I just don't want to get up. I don't want to start the day. I don't want to have to leave bed. I just want to rest and not have to deal. I have found success and reward in some areas as a result of my tenacity, but others just do not seem to improve. I'm sick of the mental work and I'm tired of it.
Three times in the past month I've had the opportunity to watch spiders spin part of their webs. It was really engaging and very thought-provoking. I even watched a spider retreat as its web was unwittingly damaged today. Part of me thought, "Well, so much for awareness of surroundings." because that web had been there for a week, as had the spider, slowly adding to it. Then again, not many people look up, and if you're not tall enough to hit your head or hair on something, why would you?
Another part of me realized that unless the spider relocates, is relocated, or is killed, it will simply go through the work of rebuilding the web in that location. That can represent futility, or it can represent tenacity and acceptance. In my current situation, I tend to see more of the tenacity metaphor, while being aware of the futility side.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Fly, Away!
A little something from this morning's practice:
There is a fly in my room and it's been here since yesterday, likely let in during the couple of hours I had my door open because the weather was nice. I've pretty much thought not to just all-out kill it like I normally would. As I was finishing my practice in savasana, the fly was buzzing around and landing on me. I would invariably shake the offended limb and the fly would zoom around and find another place to land on me.
After a few go-arounds of that, I thought, "What if I didn't shake it off? What problem would there be? Probably not much of one." So the next time it landed, I didn't shake. I "forced" my muscles to stay still. I steeled myself against the sensation of those six tiny legs skittering around on my skin, then just let it continue. It started to tickle. I laughed and then decided that laughter was a good place to end my morning practice.
There is a fly in my room and it's been here since yesterday, likely let in during the couple of hours I had my door open because the weather was nice. I've pretty much thought not to just all-out kill it like I normally would. As I was finishing my practice in savasana, the fly was buzzing around and landing on me. I would invariably shake the offended limb and the fly would zoom around and find another place to land on me.
After a few go-arounds of that, I thought, "What if I didn't shake it off? What problem would there be? Probably not much of one." So the next time it landed, I didn't shake. I "forced" my muscles to stay still. I steeled myself against the sensation of those six tiny legs skittering around on my skin, then just let it continue. It started to tickle. I laughed and then decided that laughter was a good place to end my morning practice.
Monday, June 21, 2010
The Watcher
I have now been back in Japan for a week.
The past couple of weeks have been about observing. Hell, the last few months have been about just observing, listening, taking note and learning how I read things.
I find myself continuing to ease into being able to let what is be what is in my practice. I like to have vigorous, challenging practices, but I also appreciate practice, period and like having a focused introspective practice as well. I worry a lot that I'm being too easy on my body and that I'm letting its fitness slip, but this year has been very internally focused and I must tend to that part of myself as well.
The past couple of weeks have been about observing. Hell, the last few months have been about just observing, listening, taking note and learning how I read things.
I find myself continuing to ease into being able to let what is be what is in my practice. I like to have vigorous, challenging practices, but I also appreciate practice, period and like having a focused introspective practice as well. I worry a lot that I'm being too easy on my body and that I'm letting its fitness slip, but this year has been very internally focused and I must tend to that part of myself as well.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Making It Through
Well, I've survived the travel home, even with the extra layover time due to a delay in San Francisco. The situation wasn't ideal and I had to run to make my connection, which five others and I missed thanks to the messed up departure situation out of SFO.
Actually, the whole trip was a practice of listening to my body and taking care of some things before they become a problem. With the delayed departure and botched connection, I had another chance to work on maintaining calm and patience. I feel really good about how I handled the whole deal, even with a vocal and disgruntled woman trying to get everyone riled up and mix it up and squeeze what she could from the airline. She seemed pretty unsuccessful at getting everyone worked up.
I was the first of the group through the line to get rebooked and two of the others (including crabby woman) made it through before my stuff was sorted out. When it was all said and done, the clerk thanked me for my patience and understanding. It seemed a little more than just the standard customer service line. Once I got on the plane, I was seated in economy plus right by the bulkhead, on an uncrowded plane, being the only one in my row. I don't think the others were seated in economy plus.
At the end of it all, the effort was rich in rewards, the most important one being the way I was able to act during that whole situation. That pleased me.
Actually, the whole trip was a practice of listening to my body and taking care of some things before they become a problem. With the delayed departure and botched connection, I had another chance to work on maintaining calm and patience. I feel really good about how I handled the whole deal, even with a vocal and disgruntled woman trying to get everyone riled up and mix it up and squeeze what she could from the airline. She seemed pretty unsuccessful at getting everyone worked up.
I was the first of the group through the line to get rebooked and two of the others (including crabby woman) made it through before my stuff was sorted out. When it was all said and done, the clerk thanked me for my patience and understanding. It seemed a little more than just the standard customer service line. Once I got on the plane, I was seated in economy plus right by the bulkhead, on an uncrowded plane, being the only one in my row. I don't think the others were seated in economy plus.
At the end of it all, the effort was rich in rewards, the most important one being the way I was able to act during that whole situation. That pleased me.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Mending
It took a few days to where I started feeling more like myself, but each day since the pull or whatever has seen improvement. By the weekend, I was able to bend over to something resembling what I consider an acceptable amount. I have just under a week until I get home and then I can do some classes at one of my home studios and also get a couple of massages to work out all of the these knots and tight spots I have.
One reminder of this whole situation is how much of my self worth I place in my physical abilities and prowess. Not only feeling capable, but being able to prove it are very important to me. This time I made peace with taking aspirin in the morning before work to help me make it until the late afternoon when shows were finished. I even used Bengay for two or three days. We'll see if that openness to using substances like that will hold for the next time. Another thing that helped was talking to one of my friends who kept reminding me that they are aids and not crutches. And I also supposed that avid athletes and other physically active people sometimes resort to little remedies to keep themselves in the game.
I'm turning 37 this July so I should just start getting used to it. We all get older and despite maintenance efforts, I can't be free of injury or breakdown. I just need to discern between pain and discomfort. What I call the latter may very likely legitimately be the former, but if it doesn't make me wince or stop, then I tend to relegate it to the category of discomfort.
One reminder of this whole situation is how much of my self worth I place in my physical abilities and prowess. Not only feeling capable, but being able to prove it are very important to me. This time I made peace with taking aspirin in the morning before work to help me make it until the late afternoon when shows were finished. I even used Bengay for two or three days. We'll see if that openness to using substances like that will hold for the next time. Another thing that helped was talking to one of my friends who kept reminding me that they are aids and not crutches. And I also supposed that avid athletes and other physically active people sometimes resort to little remedies to keep themselves in the game.
I'm turning 37 this July so I should just start getting used to it. We all get older and despite maintenance efforts, I can't be free of injury or breakdown. I just need to discern between pain and discomfort. What I call the latter may very likely legitimately be the former, but if it doesn't make me wince or stop, then I tend to relegate it to the category of discomfort.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Followed a Thread
After a day of consideration (which began well before my previous post of despair), some dissection of situations brought about a completely different issue and probable cause of my ailment: I do a lot of ducking and squatting on a daily basis.
I am six feet tall. When I'm clowning, I position my hair on top of my head, adding to that height. I have to duck when I pass through the flaps at the back of the tent. I have to duck beneath the bleachers and squat or bend uncomfortably beneath metal supports or vent tubing as I make my way to the front of the house for some of my entrances. One time each show I do that carrying a thick board. When I wash dishes, I do so at a sink whose lip only reaches mid thigh. I do this all multiple times each day except for doing dishes.
Thinking about living under these conditions for the past five and a half months, no matter how much I exercise, no matter how well I take care of my body, doing all of that squatting and ducking is going to be at odds with my fitness. I feel a bit better having realized that, but it doesn't make the healing process any quicker. It just makes it more bearable. When I get home on break in June I'm going to consult my doctor and see about suggestions for physical therapy/physical therapists so I can identify problems and head back to Japan with exercises to help shore up against these abuses.
I guess this is transforming the situation. I'll take note.
I am six feet tall. When I'm clowning, I position my hair on top of my head, adding to that height. I have to duck when I pass through the flaps at the back of the tent. I have to duck beneath the bleachers and squat or bend uncomfortably beneath metal supports or vent tubing as I make my way to the front of the house for some of my entrances. One time each show I do that carrying a thick board. When I wash dishes, I do so at a sink whose lip only reaches mid thigh. I do this all multiple times each day except for doing dishes.
Thinking about living under these conditions for the past five and a half months, no matter how much I exercise, no matter how well I take care of my body, doing all of that squatting and ducking is going to be at odds with my fitness. I feel a bit better having realized that, but it doesn't make the healing process any quicker. It just makes it more bearable. When I get home on break in June I'm going to consult my doctor and see about suggestions for physical therapy/physical therapists so I can identify problems and head back to Japan with exercises to help shore up against these abuses.
I guess this is transforming the situation. I'll take note.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Hate Plus Hate Equals Sixteen
I am a person full of hate.
I hate being injured. I hate feeling weak. I hate the idea that strains and pulls are going to be more common as I get older. I hate the idea of using analgesics or creams. I hate needing help or having to "take it easy".
I have a strong sense of identity tied to my body and my physical ability. Anything less than 100% is not good enough. "Good enough" is not good enough.
I do yoga largely as a strengthening, flexibility enhancing tool for physical maintenance and physical improvement. Secondarily, there are the mental benefits. I just hate being injured and I hate that it keeps me from doing yoga or exercising or being physically productive. I hate when I get injured doing yoga and I don't know how or why. I wasn't pushing and I wasn't thinking with my ego, but the next day something happened. I haven't even been practicing with my ego lately, and yet I get hurt somehow. What's the use? How can I stay in shape and improve and maintain if I have to stop when I'm injured? What the hell am I supposed to do if my body won't stay strong and injury-free? Get soft-bodied and rigid and round? That is not me.
I want so desperately to be the better, more improved me NOW. Patience is very hard to come by for me. The process is not as important as the result.
I hate having down moments and weak moments. I still remain of the mind that it makes me less of a person, less strong, less successful in my efforts.
I don't hate people, I hate THIS. I hate that I have these feelings. I hate the things that I'm realizing I can't do because of my anatomy.
I'll keep trying, but not for noble reasons. I'm not noble. I'm stubborn and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being weak. I'm afraid of failing. I persist because the results of not persisting are much worse. In addition to the challenge of persisting when progress, growth, and success are hamstrung, there is the issue of how to transform this hate and disappointment. Where is the disconnect between my feelings and my intellect and how do I bridge that gap? That is a key point in dilemmas such as these.
I know we all get older and our bodies break down. I know that the wages of physical activity are wear and tear and the omnipresent specter of injury, no matter how major or slight. I just still think that somehow if I do the right things, I can be different and I can rise above weakness or slow the descent toward entropy. You can't stop it, but you can slow it.
Jesus, I'm only 37 in July. I'm better off than many 37 year olds, and even some people younger than I am. I just want to keep it that way. I don't want to be the out of shape American who could've taken better care of himself.
I've said and thought often in recent months that right now I'm working more on mental yoga and this is obviously part of it. My body isn't as much the issue as I make it. My body can do just fine. My mind needs to get stronger and more flexible. I just wish I could make it happen NOW.
I hate being injured. I hate feeling weak. I hate the idea that strains and pulls are going to be more common as I get older. I hate the idea of using analgesics or creams. I hate needing help or having to "take it easy".
I have a strong sense of identity tied to my body and my physical ability. Anything less than 100% is not good enough. "Good enough" is not good enough.
I do yoga largely as a strengthening, flexibility enhancing tool for physical maintenance and physical improvement. Secondarily, there are the mental benefits. I just hate being injured and I hate that it keeps me from doing yoga or exercising or being physically productive. I hate when I get injured doing yoga and I don't know how or why. I wasn't pushing and I wasn't thinking with my ego, but the next day something happened. I haven't even been practicing with my ego lately, and yet I get hurt somehow. What's the use? How can I stay in shape and improve and maintain if I have to stop when I'm injured? What the hell am I supposed to do if my body won't stay strong and injury-free? Get soft-bodied and rigid and round? That is not me.
I want so desperately to be the better, more improved me NOW. Patience is very hard to come by for me. The process is not as important as the result.
I hate having down moments and weak moments. I still remain of the mind that it makes me less of a person, less strong, less successful in my efforts.
I don't hate people, I hate THIS. I hate that I have these feelings. I hate the things that I'm realizing I can't do because of my anatomy.
I'll keep trying, but not for noble reasons. I'm not noble. I'm stubborn and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being weak. I'm afraid of failing. I persist because the results of not persisting are much worse. In addition to the challenge of persisting when progress, growth, and success are hamstrung, there is the issue of how to transform this hate and disappointment. Where is the disconnect between my feelings and my intellect and how do I bridge that gap? That is a key point in dilemmas such as these.
I know we all get older and our bodies break down. I know that the wages of physical activity are wear and tear and the omnipresent specter of injury, no matter how major or slight. I just still think that somehow if I do the right things, I can be different and I can rise above weakness or slow the descent toward entropy. You can't stop it, but you can slow it.
Jesus, I'm only 37 in July. I'm better off than many 37 year olds, and even some people younger than I am. I just want to keep it that way. I don't want to be the out of shape American who could've taken better care of himself.
I've said and thought often in recent months that right now I'm working more on mental yoga and this is obviously part of it. My body isn't as much the issue as I make it. My body can do just fine. My mind needs to get stronger and more flexible. I just wish I could make it happen NOW.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Returning, Returning
The past couple of weeks have found my feeling the next steps of progress back to my old physical self. Or technically a new physical self, since any way you slice it, I can't be the same as I was even a year ago.
I've been sleeping well, but my body feels different after sleep – not so rigid and rusty. The tightness and restrictions in my lower back and hips are receding. Plank and side planks feel like they used to, with almost no more shaking. Chair pose is deeper than it ever was before. I've been working slowly on a hand balance pose that is a great strengthener and solidifier for the core muscles.
I noticed the cumulative results a lot last week when I was waking up and procrastinating getting out of bed as I usually do. I felt that my lower body and legs seemed to be a bit more alive, energy-wise – not restless, but ready instead of restricted. I'm starting to feel more like myself physically. It's reinforcing the idea of patience and persistence in practice and I have been taking things from the perspective of recovery and recuperation, almost like going through physical therapy. Most of all, I now have the experience of the early stages of the results of reduced physical activity or reduced use of certain ranges of motion. This is an experience I can take with me in my practice and my future teaching experiences.
I've been sleeping well, but my body feels different after sleep – not so rigid and rusty. The tightness and restrictions in my lower back and hips are receding. Plank and side planks feel like they used to, with almost no more shaking. Chair pose is deeper than it ever was before. I've been working slowly on a hand balance pose that is a great strengthener and solidifier for the core muscles.
I noticed the cumulative results a lot last week when I was waking up and procrastinating getting out of bed as I usually do. I felt that my lower body and legs seemed to be a bit more alive, energy-wise – not restless, but ready instead of restricted. I'm starting to feel more like myself physically. It's reinforcing the idea of patience and persistence in practice and I have been taking things from the perspective of recovery and recuperation, almost like going through physical therapy. Most of all, I now have the experience of the early stages of the results of reduced physical activity or reduced use of certain ranges of motion. This is an experience I can take with me in my practice and my future teaching experiences.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Confuddled and Befused
Another entry in the WTF department: while engaging utkatasana today (chair pose), I found myself holding the pose more deeply than I ever recall having done. As I've mentioned many times to this point, I haven't been doing a lot of yoga in the last year, and just dove back into a regular practice. Why is this?
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Figuring it Out
Well, throughout this process of easing back to and sticking with a regular self-guided practice, I'm finding some things out, but finding new questions as well.
First of all, at the very base level, this is an amazing thing for which I'm very thankful. There was a point not too long ago where I couldn't imagine doing a self-guided practice. I like having an instructor guide me. I like having to practice going along with a plan not my own and finding the most in it for myself. I like the exercise of not knowing what the plan is and diving into it with no reservations. That's a good thing for me to practice. I didn't trust my knowledge base or my ability very much. I wasn't sure about alignment and duration and such, and I sure as heck didn't know how I could make proper adjustments to whatever pose I was engaging if I couldn't see myself as a whole body from the outside.
Now that I'm past that point, I'm at another crossroads. I'm not pulling 45-75 minute sessions each day, but I'm doing 10 - 30 in the mornings, often with 30 - 60 minutes of DVD-guided yin yoga sessions at night before bed. Although I feel the benefits of those morning sessions, I worry: how well will I physically improve doing such short sessions? Physical improvement will surely take longer doing such short sessions. While the shorter sessions encourage me to use the time to listen to my body and feel which areas are requiring the work and get to poses that address those issues, what about the other poses that develop and enhance other portions of my practice? What about the other parts of my body that I should attend to so as to have a balanced physical body?
I don't have answers for those questions right now. All I know is that my legs and my lower and middle back are calling for a large portion of the attention.
First of all, at the very base level, this is an amazing thing for which I'm very thankful. There was a point not too long ago where I couldn't imagine doing a self-guided practice. I like having an instructor guide me. I like having to practice going along with a plan not my own and finding the most in it for myself. I like the exercise of not knowing what the plan is and diving into it with no reservations. That's a good thing for me to practice. I didn't trust my knowledge base or my ability very much. I wasn't sure about alignment and duration and such, and I sure as heck didn't know how I could make proper adjustments to whatever pose I was engaging if I couldn't see myself as a whole body from the outside.
Now that I'm past that point, I'm at another crossroads. I'm not pulling 45-75 minute sessions each day, but I'm doing 10 - 30 in the mornings, often with 30 - 60 minutes of DVD-guided yin yoga sessions at night before bed. Although I feel the benefits of those morning sessions, I worry: how well will I physically improve doing such short sessions? Physical improvement will surely take longer doing such short sessions. While the shorter sessions encourage me to use the time to listen to my body and feel which areas are requiring the work and get to poses that address those issues, what about the other poses that develop and enhance other portions of my practice? What about the other parts of my body that I should attend to so as to have a balanced physical body?
I don't have answers for those questions right now. All I know is that my legs and my lower and middle back are calling for a large portion of the attention.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Developments and Growth
Well, I've been back into regular practice for almost a month now and it's a mixed bag for me. One the down side, I've spent most of the last year being irregular if anything at all about my yoga practice. As such, I feel like I've been a shameful slacker and I'm not as far as I could have been had I not slid out of the practice habit. On the up side, I'm learning how accurate my assessments of trouble spots has been, so I'm learning that I can trust that sense I'm developing. Furthermore, I'm noticing the gradual process of the reversal of the tightening and restriction that has developed over this time. I'm sensing the physical ease that's growing as I practice again every day. I'm able to use this opportunity to strengthen my patience and help my tolerance grow into acceptance and to log this experience to use in my intended future in instruction.
I'm also revisiting my own body issues. I'm not as muscular in some ways as I'd like to be, but it's a small distance to travel to reach that goal. However, I must consider how that would affect my yoga. Also, I'm not please with the limits of my lower body flexibility. I'm beginning to think that it's as much the anatomy of my skeleton as it is muscular inflexibility. That is harder to take. If as much of it is my bone structure as I think may be the case, then that is something that I cannot change and it is very possible that I will not be able to perform certain poses to the extent of expression that I would like to. That disappointment and the accompanying feeling of failure and of that making me less of a practitioner is yet another thing to combat.
On the up side, it's nice in some twisted way to have body issues of my own. I was worried that as an instructor, some students would look at me, what things I can do, and my body type and feel inadequate or frustrated. I don't want to make people feel that way, so I believe that having my own stories about my own issues and inadequacies will be something of great value that I can offer to people.
I'm also revisiting my own body issues. I'm not as muscular in some ways as I'd like to be, but it's a small distance to travel to reach that goal. However, I must consider how that would affect my yoga. Also, I'm not please with the limits of my lower body flexibility. I'm beginning to think that it's as much the anatomy of my skeleton as it is muscular inflexibility. That is harder to take. If as much of it is my bone structure as I think may be the case, then that is something that I cannot change and it is very possible that I will not be able to perform certain poses to the extent of expression that I would like to. That disappointment and the accompanying feeling of failure and of that making me less of a practitioner is yet another thing to combat.
On the up side, it's nice in some twisted way to have body issues of my own. I was worried that as an instructor, some students would look at me, what things I can do, and my body type and feel inadequate or frustrated. I don't want to make people feel that way, so I believe that having my own stories about my own issues and inadequacies will be something of great value that I can offer to people.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Influx, Reflux
For better or for worse, my Yoga Journal subscription has kicked in and now my Dad forwards it to me with the rest of my magazines.. The only reason I say "for worse" is because I wonder if I really need another magazine subscription. I let Smithsonian lapse and then eventually picked up YJ, but have been considering picking up Smithsonian again. Stupid literacy and interest!
Even better, this morning I did about a half hour of yoga, maybe 35 minutes. It felt good, of course and I felt good afterward. I did my first downward dog (adho mukha svanasana – I'm working on gradually knowing the sanskrit names of poses) in months and it felt good, with tightness and resistance in the places I expected to feel them. Chalk one up for taking notice of the body, even throughout the lull.
I'm slowly working my way back.
Even better, this morning I did about a half hour of yoga, maybe 35 minutes. It felt good, of course and I felt good afterward. I did my first downward dog (adho mukha svanasana – I'm working on gradually knowing the sanskrit names of poses) in months and it felt good, with tightness and resistance in the places I expected to feel them. Chalk one up for taking notice of the body, even throughout the lull.
I'm slowly working my way back.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Rebound
When my friend was visiting from Germany, I was sleeping on my floor and I let her have the bed. This led to me restarting a brief morning practice again and it felt really good. Sure, it was only 10-15 minutes, but it was something. It's been good, even though it's not the length of practice I like to pursue. I was able to notice the different way my body felt as it appreciated the return of the activity. I noticed that the spots in which I thought I was observing tightening and issues were indeed the spots I thought they were.
I even started to notice another period of improvement in juggling as things I've been working on and frustrated over started coming together. Of course, things are starting to fall apart again and it's making me cranky. I still have issues with accepting sucking as being a part of the whole process. Heck, I still have issues with perceiving it as ineptitude or failure.
There are other pressures that have arisen, both self-inflicted and otherwise. Now I have to deal with those, too.
I even started to notice another period of improvement in juggling as things I've been working on and frustrated over started coming together. Of course, things are starting to fall apart again and it's making me cranky. I still have issues with accepting sucking as being a part of the whole process. Heck, I still have issues with perceiving it as ineptitude or failure.
There are other pressures that have arisen, both self-inflicted and otherwise. Now I have to deal with those, too.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Truth, Expression, and Violence
I noticed something through observation today:
While it is essential to be aware of one's truth and to live one's truth, that can also sometimes be a form of violence, even if unintentional. It then seems equally if not more important to be aware of the more constructive moments and manners in which to live and express one's truth.
While it is essential to be aware of one's truth and to live one's truth, that can also sometimes be a form of violence, even if unintentional. It then seems equally if not more important to be aware of the more constructive moments and manners in which to live and express one's truth.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Small Changes
The last calendar year can be characterized yoga-wise as being sporadic. I'm going to change that and get back on track. Granted, as I mentioned in an earlier blog, this down-time has given me much cause for reflection and a different tack for the idea of practice. As such, I am now in a good position to change yet another thing: how I approach a project.
Usually, I jump in with lots of vigor and dogged intention. When I do this, I push and push myself, sometimes resulting in frustration or even injury. This time, I'm going to take things more easily. Not lazily, not with any less intent, but by doing a small thing or two each day. By making smaller, more consistent changes, I may find that I achieve my goals or at least certain ones with a lot more ease than through my personal tradition of powering through.
In fact, I've already begun before I had thought about it. Every day after the show my work partner Kelly and I have made it a point to juggle together. Through no particular effort, we wind up spending at least a half hour each session. These practices have capitalized on the prior months of work and I've experienced a number of realizations or noticeable leaps of improvement both physically and mentally.
Now I'll see how it goes with other things.
Usually, I jump in with lots of vigor and dogged intention. When I do this, I push and push myself, sometimes resulting in frustration or even injury. This time, I'm going to take things more easily. Not lazily, not with any less intent, but by doing a small thing or two each day. By making smaller, more consistent changes, I may find that I achieve my goals or at least certain ones with a lot more ease than through my personal tradition of powering through.
In fact, I've already begun before I had thought about it. Every day after the show my work partner Kelly and I have made it a point to juggle together. Through no particular effort, we wind up spending at least a half hour each session. These practices have capitalized on the prior months of work and I've experienced a number of realizations or noticeable leaps of improvement both physically and mentally.
Now I'll see how it goes with other things.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Usage of Time
As I've mentioned before, I'm in the second period of extremely diminished yoga practice that I've experience in a year that is not directly due to injury. As has been typical, I have been pretty unforgiving of myself while sliding in micro-practices throughout each day. Just this past week it dawned on me that I haven't really been slacking as much as I've been thinking. Instead, I've been using this time differently, exercising different yoga muscles.
A longtime friend of mine in Portland, OR always seems to know what to say to me when I go through these periods. The most effective thing she said to me recently was "That's okay: you've been doing a lot of mental yoga." I guess she's right. If nothing else, since my arrival in Japan in mid-December, I've been working most on not forcing things and easing into them. I haven't been hammering Japanese language and writing each day, but I practice and enrich in some way or another, even if it's something as basic and broad as cultural observation.
From the physical side of things, I have developed an even greater intimacy with my body. Over the past two decades-plus of my life , I've been cultivating an awareness of my body through various physical activities. Even though one person once described me as having the physical sense of an elephant – not always entirely aware of how much space I take up within a space-limited environment – I still think of myself as having above-average coordination despite my gangly build. Now I find myself even more attuned to little tightnesses in joints and muscles that might have gone unnoticed. My awareness of body positioning and posture seems even more acute. And I still engage in some type of physical activity each day, whether I'm on the job or not.
There is also a great carryover to mental and emotional practices. As I continue to strive to better myself – especially in the areas of patience, forgiveness, and understanding – I find it increasingly easy to identify and call out thoughts that don't seem to fall in line with my expressed goals. In doing so, I can face them. I've learned that it doesn't make them go away any more quickly, but it has been sharpening my practice at nipping them before they affect my disposition too greatly. I'm most appreciative that if I'm struggling, at least I'm not burying or hiding.
This all sounds so self-helpy and granola it's making me a bit queasy, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a true experience. It's nice to feel progress and I appreciate the new knowledge that even when I haven't been working like I think I should, I still wound up working.
A longtime friend of mine in Portland, OR always seems to know what to say to me when I go through these periods. The most effective thing she said to me recently was "That's okay: you've been doing a lot of mental yoga." I guess she's right. If nothing else, since my arrival in Japan in mid-December, I've been working most on not forcing things and easing into them. I haven't been hammering Japanese language and writing each day, but I practice and enrich in some way or another, even if it's something as basic and broad as cultural observation.
From the physical side of things, I have developed an even greater intimacy with my body. Over the past two decades-plus of my life , I've been cultivating an awareness of my body through various physical activities. Even though one person once described me as having the physical sense of an elephant – not always entirely aware of how much space I take up within a space-limited environment – I still think of myself as having above-average coordination despite my gangly build. Now I find myself even more attuned to little tightnesses in joints and muscles that might have gone unnoticed. My awareness of body positioning and posture seems even more acute. And I still engage in some type of physical activity each day, whether I'm on the job or not.
There is also a great carryover to mental and emotional practices. As I continue to strive to better myself – especially in the areas of patience, forgiveness, and understanding – I find it increasingly easy to identify and call out thoughts that don't seem to fall in line with my expressed goals. In doing so, I can face them. I've learned that it doesn't make them go away any more quickly, but it has been sharpening my practice at nipping them before they affect my disposition too greatly. I'm most appreciative that if I'm struggling, at least I'm not burying or hiding.
This all sounds so self-helpy and granola it's making me a bit queasy, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a true experience. It's nice to feel progress and I appreciate the new knowledge that even when I haven't been working like I think I should, I still wound up working.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Laughter Yoga
Here's one of many aspects/faces of yoga that I'd like to experience. It's on my list of personal research projects:
Laughter Yoga
I took special notice of the "Wu Wei" entry, as it relates to a great many things in my life, some of which I'm examining right now.
Laughter Yoga
I took special notice of the "Wu Wei" entry, as it relates to a great many things in my life, some of which I'm examining right now.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Fixed Faith
I realized that although I had the html for linking in the "Speaking of Faith" entry, I neglected to add text to use as a place from which to link.
I have fixed that. I feel smart.
I have fixed that. I feel smart.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Progress Through Complacency? What?
One thing that I am currently re-discovering is still confusing me.
I am in a second period of low yoga activity; I'm not doing a whole lot of it. I found that there are a couple of postures that I'm able to engage more deeply that I had been when I was doing yoga three-to-five times a week. This confuses me. This runs completely counter to my work ethic and the idea that progress is the payoff for work. Instead, I find occasionally that not-working has delivered progress that I have sought.
I'm trying to wrap my head around the idea that not-working on something yields progress where working on something did not. I'm not entirely comfortable with this. My immediate, deeply ingrained response is that by being lazy, something can be accomplished? That hardly seems logical or fair.
Of course I should look at the discovery, accept it, and move onward, but I do not like to accept something without a satisfactory understanding of it. I don't like not-understanding.
I am in a second period of low yoga activity; I'm not doing a whole lot of it. I found that there are a couple of postures that I'm able to engage more deeply that I had been when I was doing yoga three-to-five times a week. This confuses me. This runs completely counter to my work ethic and the idea that progress is the payoff for work. Instead, I find occasionally that not-working has delivered progress that I have sought.
I'm trying to wrap my head around the idea that not-working on something yields progress where working on something did not. I'm not entirely comfortable with this. My immediate, deeply ingrained response is that by being lazy, something can be accomplished? That hardly seems logical or fair.
Of course I should look at the discovery, accept it, and move onward, but I do not like to accept something without a satisfactory understanding of it. I don't like not-understanding.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Speaking of Faith Interviews
One of the growing pool of podcasts that I download and listen to is NPR's "Speaking of Faith." I subscribed and received an archive of the last three or so years of programs! While it's exhaustive and features a few encores and extended/unedited interviews, these are the two that I found on yoga:
Body's Grace
Yoga
The first features paraplegic yoga instructor Matthew Sanford. The second features instructor Seane Corn.
Body's Grace
Yoga
The first features paraplegic yoga instructor Matthew Sanford. The second features instructor Seane Corn.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
What Is It: A Preliminary Assessment
Yoga isn't a cure-all for me. It's not a way to meet women. It's not a replacement for Christianity or a way to rebel against a Catholic upbringing. For me, it's multifaceted exercise and cultivation. I'm big on self-cultivation. I think there are plenty of ways in which I feel I won some kind of lottery that I didn't know I'd entered. However, for me, "good enough" isn't usually good enough and I must always use what I have and not take anything for granted. Yoga is one of the tools I use to take on that personal project. Once, I self-cultivated myself into shaving left-handed and now I shave each side of my face with the respective hand with equal and consistent results.
It's an unconventional undertaking, but it's mine, damn it!
I also like that yoga can be strengthening, loosening, tightening, lengthening, compacting, and expanding. I can focus or I can melt. I can build up weaker parts and abilities, I can temper stronger ones. I can also conduct maintenance in a way by doing yoga. This is the only body I have and due especially to the health problems that run in my family and the lack of health insurance, I feel as if I should care for it.
It's an unconventional undertaking, but it's mine, damn it!
I also like that yoga can be strengthening, loosening, tightening, lengthening, compacting, and expanding. I can focus or I can melt. I can build up weaker parts and abilities, I can temper stronger ones. I can also conduct maintenance in a way by doing yoga. This is the only body I have and due especially to the health problems that run in my family and the lack of health insurance, I feel as if I should care for it.
Begin Somewhere, Just Begin
Some people don't get yoga. I wasn't one of those people, but I just hadn't given it much thought. Then in my fourth year of touring with Ringling Brothers, one of my fellow clowns joined up and it turned out he had been a yoga instructor and was interested in having class. By this time, yoga had been showing up in magazines more often, its physical and mental benefits being studied and laid out for all to examine.
I tried it and I liked it.
After I left the show, I didn't touch it for a while. I had even been living back home in West Des Moines, Iowa and was already plunking money into a YMCA membership. I maybe thought about it once or twice, but never followed up on the curiosity enough to seek out a local studio. I didn't even think about taking one of the Y classes, which as I've found out, comes with a stigma of its own amongst some in the yoga community.
My next close encounter was via a co-worker on the next show I toured with. It was more educational and insightful than inspiring. Being exposed to her and her yoga practice was a lesson in, well – I'll practice being diplomatic:
To hear her talk about her yoga practice and her vegetarianism and her search for enlightenment, you'd think she had been at it for a while. However, you'd likely think that after you were finished rolling your eyes, because to me she came off as one of those people who sounded as if she were simultaneously trying to convince herself. It turned out she was fairly new to yoga and fairly new to vegetarianism. After further observation and analysis, it seemed by my assessment – a possibly and likely unfair one – that she was an insecure woman submerging herself in a self-help baptismal process to become the person she wanted to be. And if you asked her about it, she'd go into an explanation or discussion that would likely cause one to roll one's eyes again as she sounded exactly like any one of the transformational books she was currently reading. I had learned exactly what I now know I don't want to be as someone who practices – and hopefully someday teaches – yoga: I don't want to be some flake who immediately turns people off to yoga.
That description didn't end very diplomatically. But that's one thing I've been learning and dealing with constantly, even before my delving into yoga: every time is different from every other. Sometimes you're successful and other times not so much. To expect consistent excellency and impeccable perfection is to drive oneself crazy and I am good at that.
Anyway, during one of my many breaks from touring, I decided to get off the pot and actually seek out a studio in the greater Des Moines area. After consulting a longtime friend and yoga instructor about the area and people and studios she knows I checked out my first studio. My search didn't go far beyond that first studio because after a trial period I liked it so much I didn't bother looking anywhere else. And that's how about three years ago Firehouse became my yoga studio too.
I tried it and I liked it.
After I left the show, I didn't touch it for a while. I had even been living back home in West Des Moines, Iowa and was already plunking money into a YMCA membership. I maybe thought about it once or twice, but never followed up on the curiosity enough to seek out a local studio. I didn't even think about taking one of the Y classes, which as I've found out, comes with a stigma of its own amongst some in the yoga community.
My next close encounter was via a co-worker on the next show I toured with. It was more educational and insightful than inspiring. Being exposed to her and her yoga practice was a lesson in, well – I'll practice being diplomatic:
To hear her talk about her yoga practice and her vegetarianism and her search for enlightenment, you'd think she had been at it for a while. However, you'd likely think that after you were finished rolling your eyes, because to me she came off as one of those people who sounded as if she were simultaneously trying to convince herself. It turned out she was fairly new to yoga and fairly new to vegetarianism. After further observation and analysis, it seemed by my assessment – a possibly and likely unfair one – that she was an insecure woman submerging herself in a self-help baptismal process to become the person she wanted to be. And if you asked her about it, she'd go into an explanation or discussion that would likely cause one to roll one's eyes again as she sounded exactly like any one of the transformational books she was currently reading. I had learned exactly what I now know I don't want to be as someone who practices – and hopefully someday teaches – yoga: I don't want to be some flake who immediately turns people off to yoga.
That description didn't end very diplomatically. But that's one thing I've been learning and dealing with constantly, even before my delving into yoga: every time is different from every other. Sometimes you're successful and other times not so much. To expect consistent excellency and impeccable perfection is to drive oneself crazy and I am good at that.
Anyway, during one of my many breaks from touring, I decided to get off the pot and actually seek out a studio in the greater Des Moines area. After consulting a longtime friend and yoga instructor about the area and people and studios she knows I checked out my first studio. My search didn't go far beyond that first studio because after a trial period I liked it so much I didn't bother looking anywhere else. And that's how about three years ago Firehouse became my yoga studio too.
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