And Now, A Laugh at Yoga

Offered by the folks at Lululemon:

Shit Yogis Say

Poetry: The Importance of Being True to Self

Yesterday I remembered this poem that I'd written a few years ago. It dawned on me that it is along the same lines of what is – or should – get hammered home in yoga: it's most important to do your own yoga. Listen to your body, see what works best for you, make adjustments as necessary, don't do someone else's yoga.

Life as the Desert

Many a person has said to another:

“I miss you like the desert misses rain.”

or some form of this,

but what if we have it wrong?

What if it doesn’t miss rain at all?

Maybe it already tried being Caribbean beaches

or the Andes Mountains

or the snowfields of Greenland

and it just felt too strange –

somehow so wrong.

So it chooses to be arid

and to harbor cacti and lizards

and pebbles and rocks

and oases and the occasional mirage

and rainfall is simply its common cold

as it finds its bliss in being The Desert

instead of living a lie.

Wringing It Out

Over the past couple of years in yoga I've heard and read about emotional release happening in classes. With the emotionally heavy events of the last year I've been wondering if I would ever have this experience and if this year would be it. I started to think that maybe my stubborn, immersing way of working through emotional things flushed out enough pent-up emotion to reduce any such release.

Then yoga certification class happened this Tuesday.

The class was an alignment class centered on twists. I love twists. I love the way it feels like I'm wringing out tension and tightness. The first major relief came as the instructor had us twist in a wide legged forward bend. This first release was a big, happy "Aaaaaaaah!" My body had been wanting that, but I didn't know until we were in the posture. I felt a flood of gratitude.

We did a couple of more twists and counterposes and then it happened: my release. During one of the counterposes I started feeling so relieved I began to chuckle softly. The next counterpose led to more chuckling until I found myself fully laughing while on my back. I thought I would cry or something. I've had frustration arise. But laughter? It made me laugh all the more. I didn't expect that my release would be laughter.

It figures. I've raged and cried a bit and have felt like crying, but laughter makes everything better.

Laughter and gratitude. It would figure.

Humor From the Shadow

In writing an introductory letter in the hopes of landing a blogging job, I came up with a descriptive sentence for myself:

"I'm an improvisational actor, professional clown, and a 38 year-old recovering Type A personality. Fortunately, the word "asana" has three of them. As they say: live in abundance."

I'm not sure how straightforward that is, but I like it. I'll keep it in mind for retooling.

The First Month

I've wrapped up the first month of being in yoga instructor training and it's been a good choice. I'm truly enjoying the elective system and have been diving into yoga technical classes as rabidly as my work schedule has allowed. It allows me to delve a little more deeply in to plenty of things on the side, and that works really well with how my brain and interests branch off.

Last week I finished the anatomy track which was not as intensive as I had thought it would be. My work in anatomy has just started. I have plenty of things to remember from my younger years when I didn't have to know anything about anatomy and physiology except that I was fascinated by it. There is yet more to learn and I welcome that. It helps that my younger sister is now a nurse, making her the only of the four of we kids that intended at one time to go into the medical field and actually stayed with the idea. That made Mom – a doctor's daughter – very happy.

Before signing up for the program, the idea of the nine month program set me on edge. I was in a hurry to get my training and certification. Thankfully, I snapped into step from the first class and found myself fully appreciating the time the process would take, as it give me plenty of time to work electives – and eventually reading – into my life. With its current chaos, that is a very good thing to have.

The tech I attended on Thursday was about Yamas and Niyamas – restraints and "no-restraints". The yamas deal with one's thoughts/words/actions in relation to the outer world while the niyamas deal with thought/words/actions in relation to the inner world, ie: oneself.  So far, I have taken that tech to heart more than the others. Before having heard of yamas and niyamas, I've been spending at least the last ten years – most certainly the last three-and-a-half – on such work. It's not easy and it's time – and energy–consuming. [edit: yamas do not apply solely to interaction with the outside world, but also to oneself. Sorry to have used that limited description.]

I'm looking forward to the next few months and the results of study. I'm glad I took the plunge this time.

Making the Plunge

This has been a year full of transition and coping and working on finding and nurturing the stability inside. 2011 has required that I roll with various punches and surf the waves, which has been my go-to metaphor. One of the things that has repeatedly popped into my mind over the year thus far has been the penguin dream from Fight Club.

"Slide."

My older sister always refers to the scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade where Indy has to step into the chasm, taking a "leap of faith".

Two days ago, I had a flash of intent and I made a decision. I'm not sure if I've ever made a decision before I knew it was a decision to be made. It was a level of going with the gut that I don't recall ever having experienced. I decided that I'm going to start yoga instructor training now. I'm starting the nine-month training at the Yoga Center of Minneapolis. Four weeks ago, I had spoken with the woman conducting the training and decided that I'd wait until the next session. Now I'm starting with two sessions to make up. That part will be easy.

I'm excited about this and I'm scared. I'm adding to debt by doing this, but I'm also finally going forward with a goal. Those are the two things pulling at me regarding this decision. Somehow everything will be all right. Somehow everything will work out. I have no idea how or when. More and more of my life right now is becoming about flying blind. Only so much can be planned and planned for. If I'm not flexible, I'll surely fail.

Slide.

So Far Off You Can't See the Wagon

Man, have I been bad. Again. Trying hard not to be too hard on myself.

Yoga Journal had a well-timed link in a recent Facebook posting.

Outside of Comfort

There's a concept in yoga that revolves around finding your edge, then becoming familiar with it; pushing it, going beyond it to grow.

I don't like being a leader. Leading is too much work and too much risk. I don't want to be a leader. I find more comfort in being part of a team, not the one organizing it. I like being one of the people who the leader can depend on and not have to worry about. Unfortunately, I have been nursing at least two ideas that would require me to be a leader if they are even going to have a shot at seeing the light of day. That realization took me to my edge. Do I stay comfortable with not taking the risks and feel safe, or do I give it a try and risk the great success I think this project and all who see it can experience or possibly birthing a failed venture that lives only to be discovered by future internet paleontology?

I decided to push my edge and take the risk, and I feel no less scared for having done so. I'm terrified. I finally published the first post and now have to follow up with the second post, which lays down ground rules for submission. I'm asking for help from friends in yoga: please pass the word on and maybe even consider submitting or nudging someone who you think would provide a good submission.

I'm still scared, but bravery isn't about not being scared. Bravery is about what you do when you are scared and in spite of your fear. It's for others to judge if I'm being brave or not.

New Idea

I just formulated an idea today that I think could be very encouraging to people who practice or want to practice yoga. The thing is that I will not be able to do it by myself. I hope that when I try to launch it, it will take off. I think I have enough friends to get started, but after the initial roll, who knows.

The full story is one that I'll save for the rolling-out.

Transition

A week and a half ago my mom died in front of me. I was watching her heartbeat move a little spot on her chest and listening to her breathe, apnea unabated as the CPAP was removed. Her eyes had opened a few times and she was able to see that all of us four children were there. I didn't feel the change in her hand as I was holding it, but I saw the heart stop.

They say that stuff comes up and out in yoga and I have had some experience with this after a very difficult, unexpected breakup three years ago, left with more questions than answers. I find myself wondering and a bit apprehensive about what will come up in the future because of my mom's death.

Time and Timing

The last couple of days, I've been avoiding the impulse to engage in stress-filled rushing to accomplish the number of small and seemingly not-so-small things on my list before we open on Saturday. Marvelously enough, I've been getting things done and have been enjoying the feeling of accomplishment that follows. I've been surprising myself with what I've been able to do. One seemingly large and intimidating thing that I have yet to accomplish is to figure out the flow of a microphone gag I'm performing in the circus show this summer and more importantly, how that flow will end. Despite being told not to worry, I still do.

Life has also dealt me a series of tidbits of observation and knowledge in the last couple of weeks that has impressed on me the idea that everything is about timing. Some things will line up eventually, some things won't. Some things will happen when you want them, some will be sooner or later, and some won't happen at all. Sometimes it sucks and some times you see the fortune that comes in not getting what you want when you want it.

Extended Absence Pose

Or maybe I should have titled it "Extended Neglect Pose".

I've pretty much allowed myself to be caught in the maelstrom of transition with the end of my Japan stint and the return to the Twin Cities and finding a moving into and settling in a place. To be honest, I haven't even settled into my place, as there are still items in boxes and nothing hung on the wall. I did buy a few pieces of furniture and have a great couple of bookshelves and a nice, orange chair. I bought a car to replace my old one, which made me feel all adult.

I'm trying to find the value of this period. My yoga practice has fallen off yet again. Somehow all I have managed to do is lose muscle mass. Am I learning to settle without sloughing away? Am I learning to navigate different currents of my life? Or am I becoming lazy and complacent?

Maybe it's another practice in examination with as little judgment as possible.