Mending

It took a few days to where I started feeling more like myself, but each day since the pull or whatever has seen improvement. By the weekend, I was able to bend over to something resembling what I consider an acceptable amount. I have just under a week until I get home and then I can do some classes at one of my home studios and also get a couple of massages to work out all of the these knots and tight spots I have.

One reminder of this whole situation is how much of my self worth I place in my physical abilities and prowess. Not only feeling capable, but being able to prove it are very important to me. This time I made peace with taking aspirin in the morning before work to help me make it until the late afternoon when shows were finished. I even used Bengay for two or three days. We'll see if that openness to using substances like that will hold for the next time. Another thing that helped was talking to one of my friends who kept reminding me that they are aids and not crutches. And I also supposed that avid athletes and other physically active people sometimes resort to little remedies to keep themselves in the game.

I'm turning 37 this July so I should just start getting used to it. We all get older and despite maintenance efforts, I can't be free of injury or breakdown. I just need to discern between pain and discomfort. What I call the latter may very likely legitimately be the former, but if it doesn't make me wince or stop, then I tend to relegate it to the category of discomfort.

Followed a Thread

After a day of consideration (which began well before my previous post of despair), some dissection of situations brought about a completely different issue and probable cause of my ailment: I do a lot of ducking and squatting on a daily basis.

I am six feet tall. When I'm clowning, I position my hair on top of my head, adding to that height. I have to duck when I pass through the flaps at the back of the tent. I have to duck beneath the bleachers and squat or bend uncomfortably beneath metal supports or vent tubing as I make my way to the front of the house for some of my entrances. One time each show I do that carrying a thick board. When I wash dishes, I do so at a sink whose lip only reaches mid thigh. I do this all multiple times each day except for doing dishes.

Thinking about living under these conditions for the past five and a half months, no matter how much I exercise, no matter how well I take care of my body, doing all of that squatting and ducking is going to be at odds with my fitness. I feel a bit better having realized that, but it doesn't make the healing process any quicker. It just makes it more bearable. When I get home on break in June I'm going to consult my doctor and see about suggestions for physical therapy/physical therapists so I can identify problems and head back to Japan with exercises to help shore up against these abuses.

I guess this is transforming the situation. I'll take note.

Hate Plus Hate Equals Sixteen

I am a person full of hate.

I hate being injured. I hate feeling weak. I hate the idea that strains and pulls are going to be more common as I get older. I hate the idea of using analgesics or creams. I hate needing help or having to "take it easy".

I have a strong sense of identity tied to my body and my physical ability. Anything less than 100% is not good enough. "Good enough" is not good enough.

I do yoga largely as a strengthening, flexibility enhancing tool for physical maintenance and physical improvement. Secondarily, there are the mental benefits. I just hate being injured and I hate that it keeps me from doing yoga or exercising or being physically productive. I hate when I get injured doing yoga and I don't know how or why. I wasn't pushing and I wasn't thinking with my ego, but the next day something happened. I haven't even been practicing with my ego lately, and yet I get hurt somehow. What's the use? How can I stay in shape and improve and maintain if I have to stop when I'm injured? What the hell am I supposed to do if my body won't stay strong and injury-free? Get soft-bodied and rigid and round? That is not me.

I want so desperately to be the better, more improved me NOW. Patience is very hard to come by for me. The process is not as important as the result.

I hate having down moments and weak moments. I still remain of the mind that it makes me less of a person, less strong, less successful in my efforts.

I don't hate people, I hate THIS. I hate that I have these feelings. I hate the things that I'm realizing I can't do because of my anatomy.

I'll keep trying, but not for noble reasons. I'm not noble. I'm stubborn and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being weak. I'm afraid of failing. I persist because the results of not persisting are much worse. In addition to the challenge of persisting when progress, growth, and success are hamstrung, there is the issue of how to transform this hate and disappointment. Where is the disconnect between my feelings and my intellect and how do I bridge that gap? That is a key point in dilemmas such as these.

I know we all get older and our bodies break down. I know that the wages of physical activity are wear and tear and the omnipresent specter of injury, no matter how major or slight. I just still think that somehow if I do the right things, I can be different and I can rise above weakness or slow the descent toward entropy. You can't stop it, but you can slow it.

Jesus, I'm only 37 in July. I'm better off than many 37 year olds, and even some people younger than I am. I just want to keep it that way. I don't want to be the out of shape American who could've taken better care of himself.

I've said and thought often in recent months that right now I'm working more on mental yoga and this is obviously part of it. My body isn't as much the issue as I make it. My body can do just fine. My mind needs to get stronger and more flexible. I just wish I could make it happen NOW.

Returning, Returning

The past couple of weeks have found my feeling the next steps of progress back to my old physical self. Or technically a new physical self, since any way you slice it, I can't be the same as I was even a year ago.

I've been sleeping well, but my body feels different after sleep – not so rigid and rusty. The tightness and restrictions in my lower back and hips are receding. Plank and side planks feel like they used to, with almost no more shaking. Chair pose is deeper than it ever was before. I've been working slowly on a hand balance pose that is a great strengthener and solidifier for the core muscles.

I noticed the cumulative results a lot last week when I was waking up and procrastinating getting out of bed as I usually do. I felt that my lower body and legs seemed to be a bit more alive, energy-wise – not restless, but ready instead of restricted. I'm starting to feel more like myself physically. It's reinforcing the idea of patience and persistence in practice and I have been taking things from the perspective of recovery and recuperation, almost like going through physical therapy. Most of all, I now have the experience of the early stages of the results of reduced physical activity or reduced use of certain ranges of motion. This is an experience I can take with me in my practice and my future teaching experiences.