Good Example?

I've been thinking the last few days about if I will be a good example as a yoga instructor.

There are poses I hate. I cannot stand standing split. I loathe it. I am very very crappy at it. I might as well be doing a very crappy looking half moon pose because I can't get my legs to spread in standing split like they can when my body weight can work for me and they sure as hell don't spread as far as I want them to. I'm nowhere near the lower body flexibility I want. Telling people about patience and time and allowing what is to just be seems like it'll be a half lie because I'm guiding people to do things that I can't do as often as I'd like. To me that makes me a fraud.

There are things about my body that frustrate me. I would love to be more flexible. I'd love to be able to do handstands and some other arm balances, but I can't. And let's face it: I've got a pretty fit looking body – is anyone really going to identify with or accept the idea that I have body issues as well? Will the way I look intimidate some people or will it inspire people?

Well, the answers to these appear and disappear and it's up to me to remember them. For starters, people will often say: "Sometimes we teach what we have yet to learn ourselves." Okay. As much as I don't like the idea of it, it's true. I prefer to be able to teach from the other side of the struggle, not from within my own personal struggle. However, the fact that I am still deeply ingrained in my own struggle provides a means of interaction, understanding, and hopefully inspiration to other people. "Greg's not perfect, so then I don't have to be." Maybe it works like that.

As far as being able to reach the full expression of a pose – not just my full expression at the current moment, but that which I believe is within the realm of possibility for my body – my friend Page related a question that an instructor of hers asked: "So then when you get there, what then?" This is a manifestation of my own situational prejudices. I loathe processes. I want results, not a process. So for me, the treasure is still the end result instead of the time and work it took for me to get there. For me, the answer is "Then that means I'll be done with all of this time-consuming, frustrating process and I will have reached my goal and it will be another thing I can have accomplished instead of something I haven't." I am still a very achievement oriented person and I tend to value my achievements over the process and the road taken. That is something I can relate to people in my journey as well. I hope it's inspirational to people in some way, because mostly I just get people telling me to enjoy and immerse myself in the process, which to me is like telling me to go immerse myself in frustration and falling short of my goal. That doesn't taste good to me.

As far as my body, honestly, I like to look a certain way. I like to maintain a certain shape and some of it is completely ego based. However, I was told by a fellow student that she was watching me in a couple of poses and instead of being intimidated, she was inspired to work on and to dig deeper into her own personal yoga so that she might have that same effect on others.

Wha? For all of my concern about my body and how I look when I do things, I still am confused yet flattered at the idea that my yoga is beautiful. I just concentrate a lot on doing it correctly and getting things right and stuff like that. I don't like doing things poorly, not even just for fun. If I do it, I want to be good at it and to look competent doing it. regardless of what's going on in my head, if my efforts result in inspiring someone, then that's a high complement and that humbles me. I find success humbles me more than failure. Failure just gets me mad.

I also have a very negative view of failure.

I wish I could ease up and be all relaxed about stuff like this. I suppose the best that I can hope for is that 1) I'll actually succeed in this cursed process stuff and become the person I'd like to be, and 2) I'll be able to use my faults along the way as guidance tools to help boost people's confidence and help them in their own efforts.