Hate Plus Hate Equals Sixteen

I am a person full of hate.

I hate being injured. I hate feeling weak. I hate the idea that strains and pulls are going to be more common as I get older. I hate the idea of using analgesics or creams. I hate needing help or having to "take it easy".

I have a strong sense of identity tied to my body and my physical ability. Anything less than 100% is not good enough. "Good enough" is not good enough.

I do yoga largely as a strengthening, flexibility enhancing tool for physical maintenance and physical improvement. Secondarily, there are the mental benefits. I just hate being injured and I hate that it keeps me from doing yoga or exercising or being physically productive. I hate when I get injured doing yoga and I don't know how or why. I wasn't pushing and I wasn't thinking with my ego, but the next day something happened. I haven't even been practicing with my ego lately, and yet I get hurt somehow. What's the use? How can I stay in shape and improve and maintain if I have to stop when I'm injured? What the hell am I supposed to do if my body won't stay strong and injury-free? Get soft-bodied and rigid and round? That is not me.

I want so desperately to be the better, more improved me NOW. Patience is very hard to come by for me. The process is not as important as the result.

I hate having down moments and weak moments. I still remain of the mind that it makes me less of a person, less strong, less successful in my efforts.

I don't hate people, I hate THIS. I hate that I have these feelings. I hate the things that I'm realizing I can't do because of my anatomy.

I'll keep trying, but not for noble reasons. I'm not noble. I'm stubborn and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being weak. I'm afraid of failing. I persist because the results of not persisting are much worse. In addition to the challenge of persisting when progress, growth, and success are hamstrung, there is the issue of how to transform this hate and disappointment. Where is the disconnect between my feelings and my intellect and how do I bridge that gap? That is a key point in dilemmas such as these.

I know we all get older and our bodies break down. I know that the wages of physical activity are wear and tear and the omnipresent specter of injury, no matter how major or slight. I just still think that somehow if I do the right things, I can be different and I can rise above weakness or slow the descent toward entropy. You can't stop it, but you can slow it.

Jesus, I'm only 37 in July. I'm better off than many 37 year olds, and even some people younger than I am. I just want to keep it that way. I don't want to be the out of shape American who could've taken better care of himself.

I've said and thought often in recent months that right now I'm working more on mental yoga and this is obviously part of it. My body isn't as much the issue as I make it. My body can do just fine. My mind needs to get stronger and more flexible. I just wish I could make it happen NOW.